I'm not in that great of a mood.

"Remember when you left me behind? And you didn't even seem to mind..."

I wanted to post that so desperately to Facebook, but I didn't want to be so passive-aggressive and possibly create unnecessary drama. So I'm posting it here, because the liklihood that it will be read by its intended recipient is about .001%, but I still get to voice my displeasure. Because I'm not happy, but I can't tell the person I need to because, well, that will make them unhappy.

If that sounds screwed up, it probably is. But whatever. There's nothing I can do, just try and be supportive and smile and try and act like everything's okay. Because saying things aren't okay now would be more toxic than saying it later I think.

"You told me once of your first true love. You said the girl you're always dreaming of. It's not me but I wish it was. You should think of me just because."

The song lyrics are from a song called "Cry No More" by Ko and the Knockouts, by the way. If I could find a set of the full lyrics I'd just copy and paste them here and call it a post because it describes so many facets of my mood right now it's not even funny.

Whatever. I should be used to people meaning more to me than I do to them. This is only like the 1000th time it's happened. You would think I would learn.

C'est la vie...

Life.
The Universe.
Everything.
Forty-Two.

So, Parker. Yeah. He's amazing. Just absolutely amazing.

This is one of those times where I realize what was lacking in all of my previous crush-type-things. The street is actually a two-way street, not a one-way street with the illusion that you could fit two cars on it. Or a two-way street with actual traffic flow, not a two-way street that's barren or in a traffic jam.

He calls me pretty. He chats/texts me first. Novel ideas that shouldn't be so novel.

Why the heck is he not going to be here next semester? And the worst thing is, he was probably interested in me for a while, but I was so bloody focused on The Enigma, that I just let him sit on the very back burner.

Balls.

Most of the advice that I've gotten is to just let things come and then see what happens later. Which is probably the course to go on, but it's so damn frustrating that there's actually someone interested in me and nothing can really happen with it. I mean, it's not like I won't be in contact with him, but... damn. Just damn.

Of course, the best advice I've gotten on the subject comes from My GBFF (that is, my gay best friend forever). Upon hearing my conundrum he said, "You should take him out dancing! And then grind on him. And then kiss him."

At which point I lamented that Parker is slightly shorter than me (at least, if I wear any shoes...). To which GBFF responded "Then bend over and kiss him."

If only things were that simple.

Talking in circles, per usual

So it's been a while since I've posted while completely sleep deprived from staying up far too late and waking up far too early.

And of course there's boys involved. It seems that most parts of my life (knock on wood) are on pretty steady and at least somewhat predictable ground. So of course I'm going to focus on the part that's unsteady and unstable and probably ready for a giant mudslide. And, yes, I'm pretty much jumping up and down on this part of the ground, trying to see what will happen and desperately hoping that I don't get buried underneath it if it does give out.

Extended metaphors are awesome, by the way.

And, in what will surely come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, what I'm vaguely referring to does not involve the Enigma. Yeah, I know, right? I'm pretty shocked myself in all honesty. Most of my friends have come to the conclusion that if something hasn't happened with a guy by now, it isn't going to happen. And, well, there's probably a lot of truth in that statement - I just don't want to believe it.

So he's still lingering in the recesses of my mind. But my issues with that are not pressing. No, there's a new guy, who I'll call Parker, who has emerged in a sudden whirlwind, and seems like he'll leave just as fast.

Yeah, how do you deal with someone who doesn't even live on the same side of the country as you and who's not going to be at school next semester? How do you decide what to do when the only thing possible is a long distance relationship after what would be a maximum of three weeks? And what do you do if you still maybe like someone else? What if your emotions are confusing and you're not even sure if they're right? Universal Decision Maker? Yeah, I don't think so.

Hell, I think I'm selling myself short, per usual. I think I'm focusing on things that don't matter, but I'm not entirely sure what does matter. I'm trying to ride the fence, but I'm finding it a rather uncomfortable ride - but I can't decide what side I want to get off on. Balls. I think I know what side I want to get on, but I'm not sure I'm going to land on my feet. But the other side isn't as appealing, and it's not looking that much more secure.

What do I normally do when I can't decide? I shrug and say whatever and wait for something else to happen. But I think I'm approaching the point in time where I'm really sick and tired of waiting so I'm just going to forge ahead blindly. The point in time where I go, "You know what, I just don't give a shit about what might happen. Let's find out what does happen, and just hope I'm prepared to deal with it." The point in time where I steel my resolve, flip the bird to the rest of the world, and do what I want to do.

I just have to find out what I want.

I don't know. And that's okay.

Also, if there's one thing about life that I'm beginning to understand, it's that understanding is unlikely and highly overrated...

That was me tweeting last night after I came in from wandering around the campus for 3 hours with the guy I like. Not doing anything in particular, literally walking around and talking about whatever came to mind.

Still don't understand him (I think, for future reference on this blog, I'll refer to him as "The Enigma"), still don't entirely know his motives. I mean, seriously, what guy hangs out one-on-one with a girl for hours at a time and doesn't want something more than friendship? But it doesn't seem like he's looking for that now.

And, the odd thing is, I think I'm perfectly okay with that. This past week I've realized that I've never been this confident, this self-assured, in my entire life. This week was a job fair and then an interview, two things that last year probably would have gotten me completely anxious and nervous and filled me with self-doubt. Not this year. I mean, I was slightly nervous for the interview, but it wasn't the crippling nerves that make me stutter, seem like a moron, and feel physically sick.

Am I just maturing? Or is my worldly outlook more positive and less scary? That I don't know, but I like this. I feel like myself.

So, anyway, back to boys. The other reason I probably feel 'okay' that mixed signals are abounding with The Enigma is that... well, apparently someone else is interested.

Well, okay, that's giving myself not a lot of credit. I feel okay about the mixed signals because of my aforementioned chillaxed attitude. The event of someone else liking me does have an effect, but even without that I would feel the same.

Anyways, apparently this guy is completely different around me than around anyone else. Like, around most others he's reserved, introverted, kind of quiet, shy. Around me he breaks into Lady Gaga and skips down the sidewalk. And, apparently this is enough of a marked change in his personality that others have realized... that it only happens around me.

Obviously, this hit me like a sack of potatoes. I mean, how am I to know that someone is different around me when whenever I see them, they're around me? (Wrap your minds around that one, haha).

But, I will admit, that I'd be open to getting to know him better. Yes, I like The Enigma more, but I've been wanted a boyfriend for a rather long time now, and I don't feel like I'm in the position to necessarily refuse a date with a nice guy who I get along with.

And, well, The Enigma could just be another guy friend that I collected. I said last post that I'm sick of collecting guy friends like Pokemon cards, but maybe I should stop looking at that as a negative and instead see it as a positive - I can get a lot of guys to trust me, and perhaps that is better in the long run anyway. He does open up to me more than other people it seems (from what I've heard), but obviously it's not fully if I chose his nickname to be "The Enigma".

Damn you mixed signals!

So, yeah, I guess I'm just taking it as it comes. Still plotting the next move like a maniac, but I think it's a calmer plotting, more willing to let details come out than previous iterations.

And, yes, I just used the term iteration in reference to myself. Aren't computer engineers awesome?

Oh boy

I would first like to preface this post by saying that my mind hates me. Yep, got back at 4:30am last night (this morning?), up at 9:30am. It's not like I'm not tired. And the really sad thing is that what woke me up, of all things, was thinking about C++ coding. Somehow my half-asleep conscious decided it would be a good time to contemplate how to deallocate memory. Meanwhile, the other half of my brain is yelling Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup because, y'know, I do waaaaaaayyyyy better with more than five hours of sleep. So, hearing the other half of my brain, the first half decides to drop the coding topic and instead begin to think about boys. Which, of course, means that I'll never be able to go back to sleep, due to the numerous thoughts now rolling around my head.

So, yeah, boys. Or more specifically, boy. Where the heck do I begin?

Well, okay, I guess I'll just jump right into it. There's this dude and I totally like him, but I'm getting mixed signals. Mixed signals meaning that what he's saying doesn't necessarily give me a warm and fuzzy about him being interested, but he keeps hanging out with me for extended periods of time. I'm talking like six hours at a time, not just 20 minutes of an extended edition DVD. And the more time I'm spending with him, the more I totally absolutely have a crush on him and like him.

The weird, awkward part (because, of course, my life must at all times have an awkward component) is that we talk about relationships and stuff and he totally asked if I had anyone I was interested in and I said yes but I wouldn't tell him who because you can't just come out and tell the person that you like that you like them whenever you're getting mixed signals from them. But it's like, pleasepleasepleaseplease don't think I'm not on the market because I totally am and I totally want to go out with you!

And that's the thing, he keeps talking about how I should go out and party and meet people, and I'm always like "Okay, then, take me to a party", but in all honesty at this moment I don't want to meet other guys because I just want to spend time with him. But if the only time I'll get to spend time with him is at a party... holy crap Catch-22.

I have absolutely no idea what to do, other than just take it as it comes, which considering my normal psychotic impatient state I think I'm actually playing this one pretty well. And, of course, try to maximize time spent together with him and hope that he doesn't decide that I'm a hyperactive clingy loser. Which, I would like to state for the record, I don't think I'm a loser or necessarily clingy, but that's the impression some people can get.

And, really, I should focus on the positives, which is that he wants to hang out with me and really the worst that can happen is that I gain another guy friend. Although I'm kind of getting sick of collecting guy friends like Pokemon cards, but it's better than making enemies.

So who knows? I don't. But it's all good because there are a lot worse things that could be going on. And this last part of this post might sound like a mini pep talk, and it kind of is, but it's more like truths that just have to be reiterated once in a while. Which I guess is a definition of "pep talk". This is the kind of excellent writing that comes out when I have five hours of sleep under my belt.

Today is going to be awesome.