Single again

"Look.. I'm sorry I don't have those feelings for you anymore and we should have talked earlier. That's my fault and I regret it."

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my life.

The problem I find with all of this, is that I gave him ample opportunity to tell me. I tried to keep in touch with him, tried to ask him what was wrong, did anything happen between us. Every time met with an answer that wasn't fulfilling, but didn't indicate that anything was horribly wrong.

For someone who said that he's always brutally honest... well, he just ended up like every other guy who's lied to me. Lied in a different way, yes, but lies all the same. Lies of omission I suppose you could say.

It barely even hurts. I knew it was coming, I refused to believe it. I didn't want to. I wanted so desperately for it to work. But it didn't and now I'm just left feeling a little dead inside. Not sad, not even really angry, just kind of dead. Numb, perhaps, but numb isn't really quite the feeling. Numb implies that there's going to be something after, some kind of pain. This is just dead.

I'm disappointed, I suppose. In myself, but mostly in him. I guess he didn't really respect me enough to tell me the truth. I'm not sure, now that I think about it, that he ever really respected my opinion on anything. Everything was met with this sort of, 'you haven't lived my life, you don't really know anything' attitude. And I just put it in my blind spot because I wanted it to work out so badly.

I'm not stupid. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when he "lost those feelings" for me and it's somewhat alarming how far back in time I can find things. Perhaps I am overanalyzing the situation per usual... I just don't see what I did wrong here. I didn't do anything wrong. I am me, and I guess he doesn't want that.

It just kind of hurts that I spent so much time caring about someone who doesn't give a damn about me. But I'm kind of used to that. It just sucks because every time I think something is going to turn out differently, it never does.

"let me do this right for you... you've had so many shitttttty guys" 

Yeah, well. That certainly worked out. This is my life, isn't it? I should come to expect these things. But I can't stop being optimistic. Sardonic Optimist. It's in the title.

But in a way, I'm lucky. Things like this help me to realize who is there for me, and who is worth my time. Within two hours of being dumped, I had made contact with 5 out of 6 of my best friends. I roll six deep. They all were there for me. They hugged me, made me laugh (and brownies!), comforted me, and listened. And they made sure I was okay. With them I know that I'm worth something, that I'm worth their time and their respect. I love them, and they are worth the world to me.

I thought Parker was worth that. But it's a two way street. I guess he just hit a dead end somewhere along the way.