Insomnia

The clock is laughing at me tonight, playing a very sick prank.

I went to bed at 12:30. Notice that I am still in bed, but not sleeping. Realize, of course, that I was actually tired around 11:30 and would have saved myself a lot of trouble by just going to bed then. But no, I had to stick around and watch the end of Jersey Shore.

I could have also saved myself some trouble by just turning off my computer. I really wasn't doing anything on it, and I could have had some wonderful sleep if I hadn't checked Facebook. Yes, another post tangentially related to Facebook. Like it or not, it is a significant part of most college student's lives.

The irony of all this is that today I bought a new bed specifically for me. I picked it out in the mattress store because of it's cushy firmness, meant to bring me a wonderful (and supported) night's sleep.

I'm not sure if sleep will come to me tonight. I've never pulled an all-nighter and this would be a really really stupid thing to not sleep over. But then again, my sleep schedule of late has been horrific, always getting up early. This is just the definition of getting up as early as possible.

The thing is, I am tired. I can feel it. My eyes are starting to get all droopy and I just feel miserable staying up to type this. But if I were to roll over and try to go to sleep all I can do is think about him and think about my life and think about all the possible places where I could have fucked up and just think about how miserable I feel and how everytime I think about that stupid picture I want to stab someone in the eye with an ice pick. Myself being included in that "someone" - I don't really differentiate.

So I try to think of other things to think about but, just as all the roads led to Rome, all my thoughts meander back to him. And the more I think about him, the more anxious I get and the more I can't sleep.

So here it is, ten more minutes have passed by. Ten more minutes of my insanity keeping me from resting. I'm hoping that by writing this it will help me to finally fall asleep, but I'm not completely convinced of that. After all, it was at 12:30 that I decided to go to bed to just put off thinking about it until the morning.

Perhaps if I leave on my music I will fall asleep? Currently listening to Dark Side of the Moon because it is one of the few albums where I concentrate on the music and not the lyrics. Lyrics, of course, making me think and we all know where this thinking thing ends up.

I think I'm going to try again. Try this whole falling asleep thing. Hopefully it will work out. Like a few other things in my life, hopefully it will work out.