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"Look.. I'm sorry I don't have those feelings for you anymore and we should have talked earlier. That's my fault and I regret it."
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my life.
The problem I find with all of this, is that I gave him ample opportunity to tell me. I tried to keep in touch with him, tried to ask him what was wrong, did anything happen between us. Every time met with an answer that wasn't fulfilling, but didn't indicate that anything was horribly wrong.
For someone who said that he's always brutally honest... well, he just ended up like every other guy who's lied to me. Lied in a different way, yes, but lies all the same. Lies of omission I suppose you could say.
It barely even hurts. I knew it was coming, I refused to believe it. I didn't want to. I wanted so desperately for it to work. But it didn't and now I'm just left feeling a little dead inside. Not sad, not even really angry, just kind of dead. Numb, perhaps, but numb isn't really quite the feeling. Numb implies that there's going to be something after, some kind of pain. This is just dead.
I'm disappointed, I suppose. In myself, but mostly in him. I guess he didn't really respect me enough to tell me the truth. I'm not sure, now that I think about it, that he ever really respected my opinion on anything. Everything was met with this sort of, 'you haven't lived my life, you don't really know anything' attitude. And I just put it in my blind spot because I wanted it to work out so badly.
I'm not stupid. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when he "lost those feelings" for me and it's somewhat alarming how far back in time I can find things. Perhaps I am overanalyzing the situation per usual... I just don't see what I did wrong here. I didn't do anything wrong. I am me, and I guess he doesn't want that.
It just kind of hurts that I spent so much time caring about someone who doesn't give a damn about me. But I'm kind of used to that. It just sucks because every time I think something is going to turn out differently, it never does.
"let me do this right for you... you've had so many shitttttty guys"
Yeah, well. That certainly worked out. This is my life, isn't it? I should come to expect these things. But I can't stop being optimistic. Sardonic Optimist. It's in the title.
But in a way, I'm lucky. Things like this help me to realize who is there for me, and who is worth my time. Within two hours of being dumped, I had made contact with 5 out of 6 of my best friends. I roll six deep. They all were there for me. They hugged me, made me laugh (and brownies!), comforted me, and listened. And they made sure I was okay. With them I know that I'm worth something, that I'm worth their time and their respect. I love them, and they are worth the world to me.
I thought Parker was worth that. But it's a two way street. I guess he just hit a dead end somewhere along the way.
The clock is laughing at me tonight, playing a very sick prank.
I went to bed at 12:30. Notice that I am still in bed, but not sleeping. Realize, of course, that I was actually tired around 11:30 and would have saved myself a lot of trouble by just going to bed then. But no, I had to stick around and watch the end of Jersey Shore.
I could have also saved myself some trouble by just turning off my computer. I really wasn't doing anything on it, and I could have had some wonderful sleep if I hadn't checked Facebook. Yes, another post tangentially related to Facebook. Like it or not, it is a significant part of most college student's lives.
The irony of all this is that today I bought a new bed specifically for me. I picked it out in the mattress store because of it's cushy firmness, meant to bring me a wonderful (and supported) night's sleep.
I'm not sure if sleep will come to me tonight. I've never pulled an all-nighter and this would be a really really stupid thing to not sleep over. But then again, my sleep schedule of late has been horrific, always getting up early. This is just the definition of getting up as early as possible.
The thing is, I am tired. I can feel it. My eyes are starting to get all droopy and I just feel miserable staying up to type this. But if I were to roll over and try to go to sleep all I can do is think about him and think about my life and think about all the possible places where I could have fucked up and just think about how miserable I feel and how everytime I think about that stupid picture I want to stab someone in the eye with an ice pick. Myself being included in that "someone" - I don't really differentiate.
So I try to think of other things to think about but, just as all the roads led to Rome, all my thoughts meander back to him. And the more I think about him, the more anxious I get and the more I can't sleep.
So here it is, ten more minutes have passed by. Ten more minutes of my insanity keeping me from resting. I'm hoping that by writing this it will help me to finally fall asleep, but I'm not completely convinced of that. After all, it was at 12:30 that I decided to go to bed to just put off thinking about it until the morning.
Perhaps if I leave on my music I will fall asleep? Currently listening to Dark Side of the Moon because it is one of the few albums where I concentrate on the music and not the lyrics. Lyrics, of course, making me think and we all know where this thinking thing ends up.
I think I'm going to try again. Try this whole falling asleep thing. Hopefully it will work out. Like a few other things in my life, hopefully it will work out.
The following is a transcription of my inner dialogue.
What? Oh. Hello, there, Unnecessary Paranoia. How are you? Yes, yes, all that about everyone out to get me, yes, I understand. Me? I was doing quite fine until you showed up, actually getting quite a bit of packing done. What are you here about again? Oh right, the unanswered text message. I'm sure everything's fine, he probably saw it too late to respond... No, I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me... uh huh, uh huh, yeah I really don't want to deal with this nonsense, I don't believe any of it. Oh, you saw a cryptic Facebook post? I mean, really, a Facebook post is your evidence, it could mean absolutely anything. What the... you think he's in jail?! How the hell did you infer that? Have you been talking to Imagination again?
*The sound of screaming breaks through the air.*
Oh crap, there goes Uncontrollable Panic. You see what you've done? Yeah, now I have to go calm her down... oh, please, it's not my fault she's run rampant these past few weeks, that's external circumstances that have got her on edge. Control it? She's called "Uncontrollable Panic" for a reason. Dammit, how the hell am I going to calm her down? Yeah, I suppose I could text him. But it needs to be cool, calm, collected. No, I don't know where Relaxed is, I haven't seen her in months. Yeah, you're right, she probably did run off with Ability To Sleep, the skank. Ugh, I really need to get you guys all sorted out one of these days, you emotions really like to run amok, don't you?
Have I texted him yet? No, I haven't, take a chill pill... oh jeez, you're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you? Oh, you're not going to leave until he texts me back. You're a real bastard, Paranoia, you know that? Yeah, thanks for all this. Concentration On Work is going to be real pissed at you - yes, of course he still exists! Hey, that procrastination was all Romance's fault and you know it!
Stupid emotions. All up in my business.
"Remember when you left me behind? And you didn't even seem to mind..."
I wanted to post that so desperately to Facebook, but I didn't want to be so passive-aggressive and possibly create unnecessary drama. So I'm posting it here, because the liklihood that it will be read by its intended recipient is about .001%, but I still get to voice my displeasure. Because I'm not happy, but I can't tell the person I need to because, well, that will make them unhappy.
If that sounds screwed up, it probably is. But whatever. There's nothing I can do, just try and be supportive and smile and try and act like everything's okay. Because saying things aren't okay now would be more toxic than saying it later I think.
"You told me once of your first true love. You said the girl you're always dreaming of. It's not me but I wish it was. You should think of me just because."
The song lyrics are from a song called "Cry No More" by Ko and the Knockouts, by the way. If I could find a set of the full lyrics I'd just copy and paste them here and call it a post because it describes so many facets of my mood right now it's not even funny.
Whatever. I should be used to people meaning more to me than I do to them. This is only like the 1000th time it's happened. You would think I would learn.
I'm already mentally packing my bags for a trip halfway across the country - I don't know if it can actually happen, I don't know if I can afford the plane fare, and I don't know if it's anything close to a good idea or even if it's what I really want.
But my bags are already packed.
Okay, to preface this post, I'm just going to assume that you know what a "stoplight party" is. If not, click on that there link and acquaint yourself. It's okay that you don't know. Trust me, I nod, laugh awkwardly, and then go home and look up terms in the Urban Dictionary all the time. It's actually become a good skill of mine, pretending to know what all the cool kids are talking about.
But, to continue, I believe I've found the definition of yellow. Yep, I'm in relationship limbo, emotionally committed enough that I don't consider myself "single", but not actually in a relationship.
Let's get over the good news first - Yes, I'm as shocked as you are - no mixed signals! Yes, it has been stated that there is a mutual "like" in our relationship. If you feel like this is a middle school way of describing things, get over yourself. Man, I haven't had no ambiguity in that in a very, very long time. It feels good.
But the flip side to that is that there's not really any commitment behind that. The rational side of me is saying that it's a good thing, considering the time and distance separating us - for who knows who we could miss out on if we were pining over the other. The irrational side is already looking at plane fare.
Add into this the fact that, well, we didn't really do anything physically when we were together, and I am sitting right in the middle of yellow country. Not green. Not red. Yellow.
I suppose I should consider it a good thing that I'm looking forward and not backwards. I have been known in the past to dissect every little action or occurrence and wonder how things could have gone better (in fact, I think I've done it on this blog...). I'm not really doing that now, only planning ahead, looking to the future. Is that something that's specific to this relationship, or have I matured beyond that?
Ugh. I wish there was someone I could get advice from. Except, everyone that I would ask I already know their answers, and I don't think I really want to listen, for they all would align with my rational side.
I want someone to tell me to follow my heart, but I also need to hear a guarantee that it will all work out for the better if I do. Without the guarantee... well, I guess I'm stuck in this yellow limbo for a little while longer.
This post probably doesn't make sense. I'm not apologizing.
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young's "Carry On". That song just needs to be on permanent repeat for the next few days.
What's it saying to me right now? Who knows what's going to happen, you just got to do what's necessary and keep going no matter what.
Something I know, something that makes sense... but I just need to hear it beat into my head a few times.
Eight months is a long time. Parker's a great guy. Who knows what's going to happen? I don't. It's not worth beating myself up about it. There are so many damn "what ifs", it would take a supercomputer to process them all. (I'm such a nerd.)
Carry on. Love is coming. Love is coming to us all.
Life.
The Universe.
Everything.
Forty-Two.
So, Parker. Yeah. He's amazing. Just absolutely amazing.
This is one of those times where I realize what was lacking in all of my previous crush-type-things. The street is actually a two-way street, not a one-way street with the illusion that you could fit two cars on it. Or a two-way street with actual traffic flow, not a two-way street that's barren or in a traffic jam.
He calls me pretty. He chats/texts me first. Novel ideas that shouldn't be so novel.
Why the heck is he not going to be here next semester? And the worst thing is, he was probably interested in me for a while, but I was so bloody focused on The Enigma, that I just let him sit on the very back burner.
Balls.
Most of the advice that I've gotten is to just let things come and then see what happens later. Which is probably the course to go on, but it's so damn frustrating that there's actually someone interested in me and nothing can really happen with it. I mean, it's not like I won't be in contact with him, but... damn. Just damn.
Of course, the best advice I've gotten on the subject comes from My GBFF (that is, my gay best friend forever). Upon hearing my conundrum he said, "You should take him out dancing! And then grind on him. And then kiss him."
At which point I lamented that Parker is slightly shorter than me (at least, if I wear any shoes...). To which GBFF responded "Then bend over and kiss him."
If only things were that simple.
So it's been a while since I've posted while completely sleep deprived from staying up far too late and waking up far too early.
And of course there's boys involved. It seems that most parts of my life (knock on wood) are on pretty steady and at least somewhat predictable ground. So of course I'm going to focus on the part that's unsteady and unstable and probably ready for a giant mudslide. And, yes, I'm pretty much jumping up and down on this part of the ground, trying to see what will happen and desperately hoping that I don't get buried underneath it if it does give out.
Extended metaphors are awesome, by the way.
And, in what will surely come as a surprise to regular readers of this blog, what I'm vaguely referring to does not involve the Enigma. Yeah, I know, right? I'm pretty shocked myself in all honesty. Most of my friends have come to the conclusion that if something hasn't happened with a guy by now, it isn't going to happen. And, well, there's probably a lot of truth in that statement - I just don't want to believe it.
So he's still lingering in the recesses of my mind. But my issues with that are not pressing. No, there's a new guy, who I'll call Parker, who has emerged in a sudden whirlwind, and seems like he'll leave just as fast.
Yeah, how do you deal with someone who doesn't even live on the same side of the country as you and who's not going to be at school next semester? How do you decide what to do when the only thing possible is a long distance relationship after what would be a maximum of three weeks? And what do you do if you still maybe like someone else? What if your emotions are confusing and you're not even sure if they're right? Universal Decision Maker? Yeah, I don't think so.
Hell, I think I'm selling myself short, per usual. I think I'm focusing on things that don't matter, but I'm not entirely sure what does matter. I'm trying to ride the fence, but I'm finding it a rather uncomfortable ride - but I can't decide what side I want to get off on. Balls. I think I know what side I want to get on, but I'm not sure I'm going to land on my feet. But the other side isn't as appealing, and it's not looking that much more secure.
What do I normally do when I can't decide? I shrug and say whatever and wait for something else to happen. But I think I'm approaching the point in time where I'm really sick and tired of waiting so I'm just going to forge ahead blindly. The point in time where I go, "You know what, I just don't give a shit about what might happen. Let's find out what does happen, and just hope I'm prepared to deal with it." The point in time where I steel my resolve, flip the bird to the rest of the world, and do what I want to do.
I just have to find out what I want.
