LH: That doesn't mean anything! You think fart jokes are funny!
*****
At a dining hall.
Me: Hey, what's up?
TB: Not much. Just getting a spoon for my pineapple.
Me: That's exciting.
TB: No, not really. But thanks for making me feel special.
*****
Me: I always have problems spelling "eighth".
DS: You just have to remember that the 't' and 'h' are like that awkward couple in every group of friends who can't stop making out - they're always together and behind the rest.
*****
DS: well i have your phone in my crotch so im the one thats gonna call the shots
*****
Me: You're just mindfucking me.
EE: You're right, I am mindfucking you. And I don't use protection. I'm planting a seed right in your mind.
*****
BL: Cottage cheese? What, nobody likes that! Oh yeah, let's get some cheese and mix it with water. Great idea.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Welcome to My Life III
A series of typed notes between a friend and I during class.
DS: So tired.
Me: This class is so fucking boring.
DS: I thought for a second that said boning.
Me: That would be far more interesting than learning assembly.
*****
My friend DS insists that I'm mean and threatened to jump in a mud puddle to get back at me.
DS: Alright, where's the mud puddle?
Me: You wouldn't!
DS: Really? You've known me for how long?
Me: You'd really get me all dirty and disgusting?
DS: No, that's your boyfriend's job.
*****
My roommate and I complaining that we're hungry but don't want to eat anything.
LB: Do we have any of those Zatarain's rice box things?
Me: Dude, yeah. I will totally eat a pot of rice for dinner if you want to.
We then proceed to eat a pot of rice and cake frosting for dinner.
*****
CT: That would sound so much better in Swahili. Wait, that's a language, not a country. Nevermind.
*****
EL: I want Radiohead. Right now.
*****
LH: Do you get to touch animals and stuff?
DS: So tired.
Me: This class is so fucking boring.
DS: I thought for a second that said boning.
Me: That would be far more interesting than learning assembly.
*****
My friend DS insists that I'm mean and threatened to jump in a mud puddle to get back at me.
DS: Alright, where's the mud puddle?
Me: You wouldn't!
DS: Really? You've known me for how long?
Me: You'd really get me all dirty and disgusting?
DS: No, that's your boyfriend's job.
*****
My roommate and I complaining that we're hungry but don't want to eat anything.
LB: Do we have any of those Zatarain's rice box things?
Me: Dude, yeah. I will totally eat a pot of rice for dinner if you want to.
We then proceed to eat a pot of rice and cake frosting for dinner.
*****
CT: That would sound so much better in Swahili. Wait, that's a language, not a country. Nevermind.
*****
EL: I want Radiohead. Right now.
*****
LH: Do you get to touch animals and stuff?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Welcome to My Life II
At a sports meeting:
Me: Well, I guess we should talk about our abortion of a basketball team.
Silence from MA and DK. Laughter from DR.
MA: Uhh... Did you mean "abomination"?
Me: Nope. I meant abortion.
DK: Well, what kind of abortion is this? Clinical or back-alley?
*****
JL recently got a buzz-cut. The general reaction to this is that everyone he knows now wants to rub his hair.
JL walks into classroom, sits down. CS immediately rubs his head.
JL: Aah! What was that!
CS: Ugh, it's sweaty!
Me: Can't you see? Look at him, of course it's sweaty!
JL: Wait, so you mean if my hair's sweaty you won't touch it? I'll just have to be sweaty all the time then.
Me: That's disgusting! Who wants to be sweaty all the time?
JL: Well, maybe I'll just spray my head with water. That way you'll never know!
CS: Well, then I'll just get a towel! I'll create a machine that will perpetually rub your head and call it "JL's Head-Rubber!"
Me: "JL's Head-Rubber"? You might just want to rename that...
*****
At a meeting...
MM: So is there anything else to bring up?
JS: Oh, I have a little thing. Most of the room starts to giggle. Oh, well, maybe it's not that little. Louder giggles. Wait - oh I wasn't even talking about that! That's not small either.
*****
EE: I would eat a lot of things donated to Goodwill. Oranges? Not so much.
Me: Well, I guess we should talk about our abortion of a basketball team.
Silence from MA and DK. Laughter from DR.
MA: Uhh... Did you mean "abomination"?
Me: Nope. I meant abortion.
DK: Well, what kind of abortion is this? Clinical or back-alley?
*****
JL recently got a buzz-cut. The general reaction to this is that everyone he knows now wants to rub his hair.
JL walks into classroom, sits down. CS immediately rubs his head.
JL: Aah! What was that!
CS: Ugh, it's sweaty!
Me: Can't you see? Look at him, of course it's sweaty!
JL: Wait, so you mean if my hair's sweaty you won't touch it? I'll just have to be sweaty all the time then.
Me: That's disgusting! Who wants to be sweaty all the time?
JL: Well, maybe I'll just spray my head with water. That way you'll never know!
CS: Well, then I'll just get a towel! I'll create a machine that will perpetually rub your head and call it "JL's Head-Rubber!"
Me: "JL's Head-Rubber"? You might just want to rename that...
*****
At a meeting...
MM: So is there anything else to bring up?
JS: Oh, I have a little thing. Most of the room starts to giggle. Oh, well, maybe it's not that little. Louder giggles. Wait - oh I wasn't even talking about that! That's not small either.
*****
EE: I would eat a lot of things donated to Goodwill. Oranges? Not so much.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Change of format?
I haven't posted in a while and I think that's a good thing. I kind of got away from the initial purpose of this blog, which was to write the random funny stuff that happened to me during the day. Not the stupid boy drama that I create in my stupid fantasy world. The good thing for everyone (you, the reader, and myself) is that the boy drama is largely gone and that I started keeping a journal so I can just write all my issues in there instead of vomiting them all over the Internet.
So I think a change of format is necessary. Because of my lack of time to actually make posts with real thoughts and verbs and sentences I think I'm going to just copy and paste the random conversations that I find hilarious. Which, if you know me in the real world, happens quite a bit. So, yeah, look for new, not-whiny posts soon.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Single again
"Look.. I'm sorry I don't have those feelings for you anymore and we should have talked earlier. That's my fault and I regret it."
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my life.
The problem I find with all of this, is that I gave him ample opportunity to tell me. I tried to keep in touch with him, tried to ask him what was wrong, did anything happen between us. Every time met with an answer that wasn't fulfilling, but didn't indicate that anything was horribly wrong.
For someone who said that he's always brutally honest... well, he just ended up like every other guy who's lied to me. Lied in a different way, yes, but lies all the same. Lies of omission I suppose you could say.
It barely even hurts. I knew it was coming, I refused to believe it. I didn't want to. I wanted so desperately for it to work. But it didn't and now I'm just left feeling a little dead inside. Not sad, not even really angry, just kind of dead. Numb, perhaps, but numb isn't really quite the feeling. Numb implies that there's going to be something after, some kind of pain. This is just dead.
I'm disappointed, I suppose. In myself, but mostly in him. I guess he didn't really respect me enough to tell me the truth. I'm not sure, now that I think about it, that he ever really respected my opinion on anything. Everything was met with this sort of, 'you haven't lived my life, you don't really know anything' attitude. And I just put it in my blind spot because I wanted it to work out so badly.
I'm not stupid. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when he "lost those feelings" for me and it's somewhat alarming how far back in time I can find things. Perhaps I am overanalyzing the situation per usual... I just don't see what I did wrong here. I didn't do anything wrong. I am me, and I guess he doesn't want that.
It just kind of hurts that I spent so much time caring about someone who doesn't give a damn about me. But I'm kind of used to that. It just sucks because every time I think something is going to turn out differently, it never does.
"let me do this right for you... you've had so many shitttttty guys"Yeah, well. That certainly worked out. This is my life, isn't it? I should come to expect these things. But I can't stop being optimistic. Sardonic Optimist. It's in the title.
But in a way, I'm lucky. Things like this help me to realize who is there for me, and who is worth my time. Within two hours of being dumped, I had made contact with 5 out of 6 of my best friends. I roll six deep. They all were there for me. They hugged me, made me laugh (and brownies!), comforted me, and listened. And they made sure I was okay. With them I know that I'm worth something, that I'm worth their time and their respect. I love them, and they are worth the world to me.
I thought Parker was worth that. But it's a two way street. I guess he just hit a dead end somewhere along the way.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Insomnia
The clock is laughing at me tonight, playing a very sick prank.
I went to bed at 12:30. Notice that I am still in bed, but not sleeping. Realize, of course, that I was actually tired around 11:30 and would have saved myself a lot of trouble by just going to bed then. But no, I had to stick around and watch the end of Jersey Shore.
I could have also saved myself some trouble by just turning off my computer. I really wasn't doing anything on it, and I could have had some wonderful sleep if I hadn't checked Facebook. Yes, another post tangentially related to Facebook. Like it or not, it is a significant part of most college student's lives.
The irony of all this is that today I bought a new bed specifically for me. I picked it out in the mattress store because of it's cushy firmness, meant to bring me a wonderful (and supported) night's sleep.
I'm not sure if sleep will come to me tonight. I've never pulled an all-nighter and this would be a really really stupid thing to not sleep over. But then again, my sleep schedule of late has been horrific, always getting up early. This is just the definition of getting up as early as possible.
The thing is, I am tired. I can feel it. My eyes are starting to get all droopy and I just feel miserable staying up to type this. But if I were to roll over and try to go to sleep all I can do is think about him and think about my life and think about all the possible places where I could have fucked up and just think about how miserable I feel and how everytime I think about that stupid picture I want to stab someone in the eye with an ice pick. Myself being included in that "someone" - I don't really differentiate.
So I try to think of other things to think about but, just as all the roads led to Rome, all my thoughts meander back to him. And the more I think about him, the more anxious I get and the more I can't sleep.
So here it is, ten more minutes have passed by. Ten more minutes of my insanity keeping me from resting. I'm hoping that by writing this it will help me to finally fall asleep, but I'm not completely convinced of that. After all, it was at 12:30 that I decided to go to bed to just put off thinking about it until the morning.
Perhaps if I leave on my music I will fall asleep? Currently listening to Dark Side of the Moon because it is one of the few albums where I concentrate on the music and not the lyrics. Lyrics, of course, making me think and we all know where this thinking thing ends up.
I think I'm going to try again. Try this whole falling asleep thing. Hopefully it will work out. Like a few other things in my life, hopefully it will work out.
I went to bed at 12:30. Notice that I am still in bed, but not sleeping. Realize, of course, that I was actually tired around 11:30 and would have saved myself a lot of trouble by just going to bed then. But no, I had to stick around and watch the end of Jersey Shore.
I could have also saved myself some trouble by just turning off my computer. I really wasn't doing anything on it, and I could have had some wonderful sleep if I hadn't checked Facebook. Yes, another post tangentially related to Facebook. Like it or not, it is a significant part of most college student's lives.
The irony of all this is that today I bought a new bed specifically for me. I picked it out in the mattress store because of it's cushy firmness, meant to bring me a wonderful (and supported) night's sleep.
I'm not sure if sleep will come to me tonight. I've never pulled an all-nighter and this would be a really really stupid thing to not sleep over. But then again, my sleep schedule of late has been horrific, always getting up early. This is just the definition of getting up as early as possible.
The thing is, I am tired. I can feel it. My eyes are starting to get all droopy and I just feel miserable staying up to type this. But if I were to roll over and try to go to sleep all I can do is think about him and think about my life and think about all the possible places where I could have fucked up and just think about how miserable I feel and how everytime I think about that stupid picture I want to stab someone in the eye with an ice pick. Myself being included in that "someone" - I don't really differentiate.
So I try to think of other things to think about but, just as all the roads led to Rome, all my thoughts meander back to him. And the more I think about him, the more anxious I get and the more I can't sleep.
So here it is, ten more minutes have passed by. Ten more minutes of my insanity keeping me from resting. I'm hoping that by writing this it will help me to finally fall asleep, but I'm not completely convinced of that. After all, it was at 12:30 that I decided to go to bed to just put off thinking about it until the morning.
Perhaps if I leave on my music I will fall asleep? Currently listening to Dark Side of the Moon because it is one of the few albums where I concentrate on the music and not the lyrics. Lyrics, of course, making me think and we all know where this thinking thing ends up.
I think I'm going to try again. Try this whole falling asleep thing. Hopefully it will work out. Like a few other things in my life, hopefully it will work out.
Friday, August 12, 2011
On driving
I used to hate driving when I first got my license. The 89 Civic I had to drive was difficult at best to operate and a few too many stall outs at stoplights and the inability to turn the powerless steering caused me to hate driving with a passion.
I feel much more comfortable behind the wheel now, primarily because it's sort of a necessary evil - to get to where you want to go you have to have a method to get there. Driving is a relatively convienient way to travel and as such it is the method of choice to get myself from point A to point B.
Driving helps take me to the people I love, to the places I love to be at. But it also takes me away from them too, and that's why I still hate it. I hate how, right now, I seem to be spread over so many locations. No matter where I go, everyone I love is not there with me. When I go to be with one friend, I leave another behind. I suppose this is life, but it's not a very fun part. I guess I should cherish the moments I have with the people I care about when I can get them - at least then when I leave I can say that I made the most of what I had.
I feel much more comfortable behind the wheel now, primarily because it's sort of a necessary evil - to get to where you want to go you have to have a method to get there. Driving is a relatively convienient way to travel and as such it is the method of choice to get myself from point A to point B.
Driving helps take me to the people I love, to the places I love to be at. But it also takes me away from them too, and that's why I still hate it. I hate how, right now, I seem to be spread over so many locations. No matter where I go, everyone I love is not there with me. When I go to be with one friend, I leave another behind. I suppose this is life, but it's not a very fun part. I guess I should cherish the moments I have with the people I care about when I can get them - at least then when I leave I can say that I made the most of what I had.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My inner dialogue today
The following is a transcription of my inner dialogue.
What? Oh. Hello, there, Unnecessary Paranoia. How are you? Yes, yes, all that about everyone out to get me, yes, I understand. Me? I was doing quite fine until you showed up, actually getting quite a bit of packing done. What are you here about again? Oh right, the unanswered text message. I'm sure everything's fine, he probably saw it too late to respond... No, I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me... uh huh, uh huh, yeah I really don't want to deal with this nonsense, I don't believe any of it. Oh, you saw a cryptic Facebook post? I mean, really, a Facebook post is your evidence, it could mean absolutely anything. What the... you think he's in jail?! How the hell did you infer that? Have you been talking to Imagination again?
*The sound of screaming breaks through the air.*
Oh crap, there goes Uncontrollable Panic. You see what you've done? Yeah, now I have to go calm her down... oh, please, it's not my fault she's run rampant these past few weeks, that's external circumstances that have got her on edge. Control it? She's called "Uncontrollable Panic" for a reason. Dammit, how the hell am I going to calm her down? Yeah, I suppose I could text him. But it needs to be cool, calm, collected. No, I don't know where Relaxed is, I haven't seen her in months. Yeah, you're right, she probably did run off with Ability To Sleep, the skank. Ugh, I really need to get you guys all sorted out one of these days, you emotions really like to run amok, don't you?
Have I texted him yet? No, I haven't, take a chill pill... oh jeez, you're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you? Oh, you're not going to leave until he texts me back. You're a real bastard, Paranoia, you know that? Yeah, thanks for all this. Concentration On Work is going to be real pissed at you - yes, of course he still exists! Hey, that procrastination was all Romance's fault and you know it!
Stupid emotions. All up in my business.
What? Oh. Hello, there, Unnecessary Paranoia. How are you? Yes, yes, all that about everyone out to get me, yes, I understand. Me? I was doing quite fine until you showed up, actually getting quite a bit of packing done. What are you here about again? Oh right, the unanswered text message. I'm sure everything's fine, he probably saw it too late to respond... No, I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me... uh huh, uh huh, yeah I really don't want to deal with this nonsense, I don't believe any of it. Oh, you saw a cryptic Facebook post? I mean, really, a Facebook post is your evidence, it could mean absolutely anything. What the... you think he's in jail?! How the hell did you infer that? Have you been talking to Imagination again?
*The sound of screaming breaks through the air.*
Oh crap, there goes Uncontrollable Panic. You see what you've done? Yeah, now I have to go calm her down... oh, please, it's not my fault she's run rampant these past few weeks, that's external circumstances that have got her on edge. Control it? She's called "Uncontrollable Panic" for a reason. Dammit, how the hell am I going to calm her down? Yeah, I suppose I could text him. But it needs to be cool, calm, collected. No, I don't know where Relaxed is, I haven't seen her in months. Yeah, you're right, she probably did run off with Ability To Sleep, the skank. Ugh, I really need to get you guys all sorted out one of these days, you emotions really like to run amok, don't you?
Have I texted him yet? No, I haven't, take a chill pill... oh jeez, you're not going to leave me alone until I do, are you? Oh, you're not going to leave until he texts me back. You're a real bastard, Paranoia, you know that? Yeah, thanks for all this. Concentration On Work is going to be real pissed at you - yes, of course he still exists! Hey, that procrastination was all Romance's fault and you know it!
Stupid emotions. All up in my business.
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